April 1, 2010

White House sources leaked that President Obama has planned to sign several executive orders today. The source who wishes to remain anonymous because they were not authorized to release this information says that President Obama is upholding his promise to bring change to America.

Some of the executive orders that are rumored to signed include the following:

1. Private donations to political candidates will become illegal. From now on all political campaigns for Federal offices will be through a new program of public funds.

2. All members of Congress, the President, and White House Appointees will no longer be able to work for any government lobbying firm or sit on the Board of Directors of a major company for at least 10 years after they leave office. According to the source, President Obama said that these two executive orders will reduce the influence of lobbyist as he had promised.

3. To help reduce the budget, all members of Congress, the President, and White House Appointees will no longer receive a Federal retirement package. President Obama is rumored to say that they are all a bunch of rich guys anyway so they don't need the money.

4. The head of the United Auto Workers will be forced to resign and will be replaced by an unknown small business owner.

5. Nationwide tort reform will be enacted in July of 2010. This order will reduce the amount anyone receives in a settlement, regulate the fees that attorneys can charge, and force the plaintiff to pay for all cost if the lawsuit is determined to be frivolous. It is believed that President Obama was heard saying that it would be better for Teachers and the Middle Class workers had the money instead of the fat cat lawyers.

6. Reversing his earlier order, President Obama is going to lift restrictions on all offshore oil drilling. A surtax will be added to the new oil that is produced to fund investment and research into other forms of power and fuel such as wind, solar, nuclear, clean coal, and shale oil. President Obama thought, maybe if we stopped paying foreign dictators for our energy, we could lower the deficit, create more jobs, and spur investment into new technology. When asked about how environmental groups would react to this order, the source said that the President dismissed them as just a bunch of socialist front groups. When I told the American people I believe in the free market I meant it. The President reportedly said.

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